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Here they are: Part One:
Re: I was looking for the source of a quote; three hours later I came upon some gems. -- Bartb Post Reply Top of thread Forum

Posted by: Bartb ®

12/29/2018, 06:23:06

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I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance. Jon Stewart
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Never confuse your right to say what you believe with a right to never be disagreed with and ridiculed for saying what you believe. Ricky Gervais

You found it offensive? I found it funny. That’s why I’m happier than you. Ricky Gervais
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When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria – not necessarily by choice – but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren’t there. Zach Galifianakis
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Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life. Will Ferrell
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First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. Steve Martin
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There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good. Stephen Colbert
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I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. Robin Williams

I always thought the idea of education was to learn to think for yourself. Robin Williams
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See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. Robin Williams
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There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. P. J. O’Rourke
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You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out’. Jerry Seinfeld
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I wanted to be a Priest at one point. I was pretty religious. I was an altar boy, and I was good at it. Then, I started meeting girls and I’m like ‘You know, maybe I shouldn’t be a Priest.’ Jimmy Fallon
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I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. Groucho Marx
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My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield
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Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed. Albert Einstein
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Oscar Wilde
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God made Adam first because he didn’t want any advice from Eve how to make Adam.
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Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school. Albert Einstein
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In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson. Tom Bodett
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It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows. Epictetus
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There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. Henry Kissinger
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If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses. Henry Ford
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Don’t yell at your kids! Lean in real close and whisper, it’s much scarier.
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Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born and start using sleep deprivation to torture you. Ray Romano
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If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. Abraham Lincoln
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg
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Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.
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It’s only because of their stupidity that they’re able to be so sure of themselves. Franz Kafka
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A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.
As your best friend I’ll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.
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If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape.
I’m not arguing. I’m simply explaining why I’m right.
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Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway. Greg Tamblyn
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"Inside every progressive is a totalitarian screaming to get out."
-David Horowitz-
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Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good. Beth McCollister
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I’m addicted to placebos. Steven Wright
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When nothing is going right, go left.
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My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.
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My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
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I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early. Jack Benny
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Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true. ~Robert Brault
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"No matter how far you go,
 the memories always follow
 in the baggage car."
 - August Strindberg -
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I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Mark Twain
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It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen
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Someday a computer will give a wrong answer to spare someone's feelings, and man will have invented artificial intelligence. ~Robert Brault
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There's one way to find out if a man is honest — ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook. ~Groucho Marx
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One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. ~Mark Twain
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"Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work,
so most people don't recognized them"
-Ann Landers, American journalist -
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"The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention"
- Oscar Wilde -
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"What is the similarity between a law student and a sperm swimming up a falopian tube?
 They each have about a one in a million chance of becoming a human being."
- Russ Walden - 03/24/2018
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"Believe you can and you're halfway there." Theodore Roosevelt
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"There are some ideas so absurd that only an intellectual could believe them."
-George Orwell-
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There's an old legal joke that goes:
"If you're weak on the facts, pound the law.
If you're weak on the law, pound the facts.
If you're weak on both the facts and the law, pound the table."
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Insidious questions:
Questions unasked; Questions unanswered; Answers unquestioned
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Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
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I was talking to myself! And I would like to nominate the
phrase "Cogito erdo tongue!" for the best latin phrase with
interesting double meanings ever.
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Political Correctness: The liberal rendition of McCarthyism.
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"Politicians are like baby diapers.  They need to be changed frequently -
and for the same reason!"
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              "If you can make one heap of all your winnings,
                and risk it on one turn of pitch and toss,
                                 and lose,
                    and start again at your beginnings,
                 and never breath a word about your loss,
                            yours is the earth,
                       and everything that's in it;
                                   and,
                              which is more,
                         you'll be a man, my son."

    -Rudyard Kipling, as quoted by Abraham J. Simpson.

                          "You'll be a bonehead"

    Homer J. Simpson to Abraham J. Simpson.
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When Opportunity knocks,
Don't knock the opportunity.
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If you have tried to do something and failed, you are vastly better off
that if you had tried to do nothing and succeeded.
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The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
be one of the facts that needs altering.
                -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"
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"Tell my mother I died for my country.
 I did what I thought was best."
-John Wilkes Booth    April 12, 1865
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"If you're going to whine,
 Be sure to whine to someone
 who can make a difference."
-Marilynne Hamilton, V.P. Quickie Designs
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"If you can't stand up, stand out."
-Marilynne Hamilton, V.P. Quickie Designs
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"The right of citizens to bear arms is just one guarantee against arbitrary
government, one more safeguard against the tyranny which now appears remote
in America, but which historically has proved to be always possible."
        -- Senator Hubert H. Humphrey (D-Minnesota)
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"Veni, vidi, vomiti!"  The ghost of Thomas Jefferson on reading the Brady Law.
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    "It is not the critic who counts. Not the man who points out where the
strong man stumbled or where the doer of great deeds could have done
better.  The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena. Whose
face is marred by dust and sweat and blood. Who strives valiantly, who
errs and comes up short again and again. And, who, while daring greatly,
spends himself in a worthy cause so that his place may never be among
those cold and timid souls who have known neither victory nor defeat."

                                     Theodore Roosevelt

"In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language.. And we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people."
Theodore Roosevelt 1907

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Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie"
until you can find a rock.
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AMAZING BUT TRUE...
There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out, it
would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
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"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its
limits."

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe".
Albert Einstein
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"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and
conscientious stupidity. "
Martin Luther King, Jr.
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"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." -- Lilly Thomlin
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"Posterity: you will never know how much it has cost my generation
to preserve your freedom. I hope you will make good use of it."
 (John Quincy Adams)
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Ben Franklin gives advice to a young man:

             "Neither a fortress or a maidenhead will hold out long
             after they begin to parley.

             Let thy maidservant be faithful, strong and homely.

             Old boys have their playthings as well as young ones;
             the difference is only in price.

             Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

             Where there's marriage without love,
             there will be love without marriage.

             Virtue may not always make a face handsome,
             but vice will certainly make it ugly.

             Drink does not drown care, but waters it and makes it grow faster.

             Many a man thinks he is buying pleasure,
             when he is really selling himself a slave to it.

             'Tis easire to supress the first desire than
             to satisfy all that follow it.

             What maintains one vice would bring up two children.

             Search others for their virtues, thyself for thy vices.

             Love your enemies, for they tell you your faults.

             Doing an injury puts you below your enemy;
             revenging one makes you but even with
             him; forgiving it sets you above him."

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
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"If you will not fight for right when you can easily win without blood shed;
if you will not fight when your victory is sure and not too costly;
you may come to the moment when you will have to fight with all the
odds against you and only a precarious chance of survival.
There may even be a worse case. You may have to fight when there is no hope of victory, because it is better to perish than to live as slaves."

Winston Churchill
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A pansy from Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
There they argued all night,
Over who had the right
To do what, & with which, & to whom.
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"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed
us with sense, reason, and intellect, has intended us to forgo their use"
- Gallieo Galilei
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"An appeaser is one who feeds the crocodile,
hoping it will eat him last." -- Sir Winston Churchill
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Republicans think every day is the fourth of July,
and Democrats think every day is April fifteenth...Ronald Reagan
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"Freedom is Never More Than One Generation Away from Extinction"
-Ronald Reagan
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"They say we're always against things,
 we're never for anything.  Well, the trouble
with our liberal friends is not so much that
they're ignorant.  It's just that they
know so much that isn't so."
-Ronald Reagan
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Bumper Stickers:
1. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
2. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
3. The proctologist called, they found your head.
4. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
6. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
7. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
8. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
9. Hang up and drive.
10. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
11. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
13. Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.
15. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
16. Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
17. Welcome to America...Now speak English

Some Simple Truths
 
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the
support of Paul
--George Bernard Shaw

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on
what to have for dinner.
- -James Bovard (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich
countries to rich people in poor countries.
--Douglas Casey (1992)

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys
to teenage boys.
--P.J. O'Rourke

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to
live at the expense of everybody else.
--Frederic Bastiat

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short
phrases:  If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it
stops moving, subsidize it.
-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
--Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it
costs when it's free.
--P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as
possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
--Voltaire

I am opposed to millionaires,
but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
--Mark Twain

No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in
session.
--Mark Twain (1866)

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of  Congress.
But I repeat myself.
--Mark Twain

God created idiots.  That was for practice.  Then he made school boards.
--Mark Twain

Talk is cheap--except when Congress does it. The government is like a
baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no
responsibility at the other.
--Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.
The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
--Winston Churchill.
--P.J. O'Rourke (1993

We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like
a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
--Winston Churchill

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
--Edward Langley

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things
to be bought and sold are legislators.
I hate political jokes... I have seen too many of them elected!

--------------------------------------------
Reflections of great minds on government. . .

1. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
member of Congress. But I repeat myself. --Mark Twain

2. We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is
like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the
handle. --Winston Churchill

3. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the
support of Paul. --George Bernard Shaw

4. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which
debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy

5. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting
on what to have for dinner. --James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

6. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich
countries to rich people in poor countries. --Douglas Casey, Classmate
of W.J.Clinton at Georgetown U. (1992)

7. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car
keys to teenage boys. --P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

8. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to
live at the expense of everybody else. --Frederic Bastiat, French
Economist (1801-1850)

9. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short
phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it
stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)

10. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
--Will Rogers

11. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what
it costs when it's free. --P.J. O'Rourke

12. If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a liberal.
If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a conservative.
If you want government to intervene everywhere, you're a moderate.
If you don't want government to intervene anywhere, you're an extremist.
--Joseph Sobran, Editor of the National Review at one time (1995)

13. In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money
as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
--Voltaire (1764)

14. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean
politics won't take an interest in you. --Pericles (430 B.C.)

15. No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature
is in session. --Mark Twain (1866)

16. Talk is cheap-except when Congress does it. --(Unknown)

17. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy
appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. --Ronald Reagan

18. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.
The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
--Winston Churchill

19. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the
taxidermist leaves the skin. --Mark Twain

20. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to
fill the world with fools. --Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

21. There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress.
--Mark Twain

22. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-- Edward Langley, Artist 1928-1995
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Football game analyzed....by a blonde

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked
her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied "especially the tight pants and all
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing
each other for 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest
of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!'  Hel-LLLO...it's only 25 cents! I hate to think what
they'd do if it was a whole DOLLAR?
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FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE

1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed  man is a subject.

2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.

3. Colt: The original point and click interface.

4. Gun control is not about guns: It's about control.

5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?

6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.

7." Free" men do not ask permission to bear arms.

8. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.

9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.

10. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights reserved.

11. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?

12.  The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.

13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.

14. Guns only have two enemies: rust and liberals.

15. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.

16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay  alive.

17. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.

18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.

19. Criminals love gun control -- it makes their jobs safer.

20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.

21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.

22. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.

23. Enforce the "gun control laws" we have, don't make  more.

24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.

25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.

26. ".. A  government of the people, by the people, for the people..."
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Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved
body, but, rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting
'Wow...What a ride!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why Are Men Happier

 Your last name stays put.
 The garage is all yours.
 Wedding plans take care of themselves.
 Chocolate is just another snack.
 You can be President.
 You can never be pregnant.
 You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
 You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
 Car mechanics tell you the truth.
 The world is your urinal.
 You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one
 is just too icky.
 You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
 Same work - more pay.
 Wrinkles add character.
 Wedding dress $5000 - Tux rental $100.
 People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
 The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
 New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
 One mood all the time.
 Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
 You know stuff about tanks.
 A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
 You can open all your own jars.
 You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
 If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
 Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
 Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
 You almost never have strap problems in public.
 You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
 Everything on your face stays its original color.
 The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
 You only have to shave your face and neck.
 You can play with toys all your life.
 Your belly usually hides your big hips.
 One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
 You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
 You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
 You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
 You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
 minutes.
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