Pentagon Tests Secret 'Decapitation Attack' on Stern and Hollywood Liberals

 

By The ASSORTED PRESS (TAP)

 

July 25, 2004 -- U.S. military officials won’t say when, or how it happened, but intelligence in the field indicates that an apparent secret 'decapitation attack' weapon tested on Howard Stern and Hollywood liberals succeeded.

 

This new humane and bloodless weapon that works on the brain to disarm and confuse the victim was originally developed for use on Islamic terrorists. It was secretly tested on celebrities in New York and California.

"The hate-Bush, blame America celebrities are now wandering about the streets barefoot, stopping people and shouting a variety of unrelated messages," said an unnamed intelligence source. "It's clear that they don’t know what they are doing and are more confused than usual. They look bedraggled and are drooling. For national security reasons, we can’t say when the decapitation attack happened, or who did it."

A spokesman for several celebrity Bush bashers in Hollywood rejected the Pentagon assertion that they had been subjects of a secret test.

"Whoopi Goldberg, Linda Ronstadt, Michael Moore and others are still mentally focused and determined to stop Bush’s war for oil and let the Muslim fundamentalists run their own democracies," the spokesman said.

 

The spokesman, rapidly running out of breath raced on, "And Hollywood liberals must seek justice for gays and do a re-count of the 2000 presidential election ballots and let women choose abortions and Bush is worse than Saddam was and we still haven't captured bin Laden and what about North Korean nukes and world opinion is against us and get Israel out of Palestine and force the U.S. to obey Jacques Chirac and Kofi Annan, and...did I leave anything out?”

 

At this point the celebrity spokesman who was apparently another 'decapitation attack' target dribbled off into an incoherent babble and was led away by friendly men in white coats.

 

In a related matter, Dan Rather promised he would have Whoopi Goldberg, Linda Ronstadt, Howard Stern and Michael Moore on a special edition of 60 Minutes to tell their side of this, “sordid story of government mind manipulation”.

 

 

Copied Right 2004, The Assorted Press and “Big Brother is After Your Ass” Inc.