Kerry Campaign Blames Bush for Poor Store Sales- Not the Lousy Service

By The ASSORTED PRESS

July 14, 2004-- A new survey conducted by the John Kerry presidential campaign claims that store managers whose sales remain in a slump blame President Bush's Homeland Security color alerts rather than poor customer service.

Assorted Press investigative reporter, Iva Bigun, checked out some of our local stores for the sales situation in a mid-sized Georgia city.

Reporter Bigun spoke with, Ms Chanda Lear, a slack-jawed teen "service associate" at an unnamed mall store. Chandra Lear sports a pierced tongue, crimson brushcut hair and low-rider jeans that frequently reveal a dragon tattoo on her upper buttocks. She said the Kerry survey results are borne out by her personal experience.

"People are scared to come here because of Yosama Vin Latte and that whole La Quinta terrorist thing," Ms Lear said. "Because Bush is scaring everyone hardly anyone came in all day. I was going to straighten up the store a little, but I got into an intense discussion with my boyfriend. Then the people who did come in acted like they were 'so important'. Like I was supposed to drop everything and wait on them hand and foot."

Our reporter found that despite continued strong sales at Walmart and most major retailers, certain stores still can't seem to shake the effects of the terror alerts.

Mr. Marcus Absent, whose downtown Progressive People's Organic Store is open from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. weekdays, said, "I may have to sell the business. That damn Bush has made things that bad. Some of my clerks think we should change our store hours, but what do they know? I think Bush has people so terrified that someone's going to fly a jet into this store. Maybe when Kerry is elected things will get better."

Copied Right 2004, The Assorted Press and Der Alte Fritz Inc.